I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Come share oat with me in your robe
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
