I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
