just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Be still, my beating vagina.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
