i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Too much gin, very little bucket
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
