Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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