i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I want her autograph on my taint
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
