I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
