You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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