Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize