fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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