i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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