He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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