My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
