my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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