My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
So squirting runs in the family.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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