Need sex. Gaining weight.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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