thus making me awesome and them whores
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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