Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
