You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
