Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize