so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
