There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
