i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
