so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
