Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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