that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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