then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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