Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
