I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
