You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
