you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
