and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
