u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
