Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
