i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
