i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
