I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
