My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
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