I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
