i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
