My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
We're not piercing ourselves today.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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