Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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