just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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