Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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