i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
