if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
