If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
