She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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