Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
