Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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