I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Is Oprah even human
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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