are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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