Sober January is a disaster.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
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