Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
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