it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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