Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
