remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
